Getting over her?
      by Jay


       Wednesday, September 3, 2003 - 9:55 PM 

   This rant is actually a transfer "rant" from another section of this webpage. I initially began this story as a journal entry but after writing a few pages of text and realizing I had alot more to say on the subject I decided to upgrade it to rant status.  I'm also leaving it unchanged from it's original format, so it's tone might feel a little more like "hey this is my life" rather than "hey I'm pissed off":

   Recently, I have failed to post any of the major events in my life. While I will probably fall asleep at the keyboard long before I can detail them all here, I will try my best to describe as many of them as possible:

    First of all, how do you get a girl out of your head? I got myself in trouble this summer by falling for a friend of mine even though I knew it wouldn't work out in the end (long distance college relationships suck!).  Interesting enough, I tried not to fall for her the entire time.  I'm no stranger to broken hearts (being a heart-breaker and the broken-hearted numerous times myself) so I put up a defense mechanism that prevents me from falling for a girl that I could never have a relationship with.  It saves me a lot of heartache in the end, and plus it keeps my mind on the other important things in life.  I'm sure everyone knows what it feels like to "love" someone and not have them love you back (or have them love you back but unexpectedly move thousands of miles away from you), so I try not to put myself in that predicament in order to avoid that horrible feeling. Yet, this time I totally failed in preventing that love and now that she is gone I am trying hard to get her out of my head and get over her. And I'm failing at that too.

    I am using the word "love" here pretty loosely.  I am not "in love" with this girl to the point where I would actually speak those words to her.  This whole thing might be no more than a modified version of a junior-high crush.  In truth, I don't know what my feelings are exactly towards her but I do know I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's one of those cases where you want what you can't have.  From the very beginning I knew that after this summer I would probably never see this girl again, and yet no matter how much I tried to prevent it she still got to me. Probably the fact that I knew I couldn't date her just amplified my feelings even more, because deep down we all want something we can't have. 

   I mentioned in an earlier rant that I don't get into many serious relationships because I can't bring myself into getting serious with a girl who I know I could never marry.  I've dated many cool ladies over the years but there is always a "flaw" (rarely a physical one) that keeps me from going the next step with them.  Which is what absolutely kills me with this girl.  Every time I talked with this girl she either said or did something that only made me want her more. She was free from every problem I've had with previous girls. I would even casually ask questions which when answered by past dates have totally turned me off of them (any answers containing the word ex-fiancés does that to me), but instead of giving me the "bad" answers I expected this girl said exactly what I would want my "dream girl" to reply.  Every time I tried to find a flaw in this girl I ended up finding something that made me like her more.  But not to say this girl is perfect because I know that can't be true, I just have yet to find that flaw in her.

  But most of all it was the smile that won me.  

  Everyone has a little quark they do that helps define them as a person.  Sometimes these idiosyncrasies can annoy others, at other times they cause us to love that person even more. This girl's smile was so honest and pure that every time she did it my heart fluttered from excitement. Too often now you have people who pull off the "Miss America Smile" where they look like they are happy but behind the smile all they can think about is what to say to next to achieve their personal goals. I've seen enough of these faux smiles in my lifetime to recognize who is telling the truth and who is trying to get something from me (or get away from me).  Yet, every time this girl smiled I could see she was honestly happy to see whoever she was talking to. And best of all, she smiled all the time. With a single flash of her teeth, she could tell you more about her life and current feelings than you would learn from an hour-long conversation with any other person.  It took nothing more than her using a few facial muscles and she could change my day completely.  And yet, the entire summer I tried to force myself to ignore that quality in her so I could prevent the pain I'm feeling now.

     It's odd going to work hoping that someone won't smile at you, but that's what I did as the summer came to a close. A part of me wished she would smile at me just because it meant so much to me, but then the rational part of me wished that she wouldn't because it would only lure me deeper in and cause more pain in the end. The last few weeks were the hardest because then I knew the end was coming and coming fast. I couldn't decide whether to talk to her more and see if I actually could work something out or just let her go and move on.

     Finally, with two days to spare before d-day (her departure day) I made my decision and did something I've never done before (and probably never will again).  She had always asked to see my artwork and she wanted to hear my piano playing before she left, but unfortunately our schedules never matched up right so I never had the opportunity to fulfill her wishes.  So I put all of my emotions for her into a single piece artwork, made a CD of my piano music, and wrote a personal letter detailing my appreciation for her to give all to her before she left. I didn't do all these things with any other intention in mind other than to show her my appreciation for all she had done for me.  Well, thats not totally true, because I also hoped that by putting all my emotions for her in three separate mediums that I would be able to get over her quicker.  I would feel that I gave her a piece of my life and soul and that there was nothing else for me to give unless our relationship stepped up a notch (at which point I would give her my life, soul, and a pair of my shoes :)  In case you haven't noticed, I keep using "would" in all of these descriptions. As in "I hoped by doing this it would help me get over her".  In truth, it didn't work out that way.

     I probably would have succeeded in my intentions if I had just left her my gifts and walked, but I did the...um... romantic thing and gave them to her in person.  The moment her face brightened up when she opened my gift I knew I was in trouble.  If I had a video of the entire event I'm positive I could pause it at the exact moment where she realized what it was I did for her.   Her face went from a curious, friendly expression straight to an awed, emotionally grateful expression in a single instant. 

Then she smiled and flashed her beautiful puppy dog eyes at me...

 ...at that point I knew I was doomed, because I fell for her more than ever.

I tried to play it down, and I tried to walk it off. She kept thanking me and I kept trying to turn and walk away but I couldn't.  It was almost too much for me, I couldn't look at her without choking up. Every time I looked in to those eyes I nearly fell into them. I mentioned earlier that her smile could give you more information about her than an entire conversation with anyone else. Well, at that point I learned that her eyes could do the same, only on a larger scale. Looking into them I could see a well of emotions that described every feeling she had over the past 20 years. If Medusa's stare could turn you to stone, then this girl's glance could bring you back to flesh again and give you wings to fly with as well.  Thus you could see my predicament: in a single moment I went from a casual-friend-giving-gifts to a hopeless-romantic-lost-in-a-girl's-eyes. 

And that was the last time I saw her.

In actuality, the entire event lasted only three or four minutes, but I felt like I stood there for eternity.  It's a memory that will never leave my head, and I doubt she will be able to forget it either.  Since then I tried to move on, and when I was still living at my house it was something I couldn't do. One of the reasons I was so stuck on her all summer was she was all that I had over the summer. I really didn't get to see any of my friends on a consistent basis over the summer, so all I could do was dwell on was her.  I had no one else to occupy my mind.  After she left for Dallas, going back to work seemed so empty to me.  I still had all of my lifeguard friends there but it felt like something (or more specifically someone) was missing. Moving into the dorm helped me enormously, because I met some really cool people and it helped me see there were plenty more fish in the sea. While no one could possibly recreate those feelings that I had over the summer, they can help me move past them and maybe help me experience some new feelings.

I still keep in touch with my girl via e-mail, and we have had a few fun conversations since going our separate ways.  I would like to think I am getting over her, but every time my new e-mail notification sound goes off I rush to my computer to see if the new e-mail is from her. Paul (who is now my roommate) once commented that I'm like a radar for that sound, whenever it starts playing on my computer I can be all the way across campus and I will still hear it and fly straight to my computer to see who sent it.  He even randomly sends me e-mails just to taunt me because he knows I will be flying through that door the instant that compy theme plays. Of course once I see it was him who sent me the e-mail there is much cursing and threatening of lives, but its all in good fun. I'm also used to disappointment because the e-mail is rarely from her, and I solemnly walk back to where ever I was before I heard it.

  Beyond that little idiosyncrasy of mine, I'm getting over her quite well. It's been nearly a month since I last saw her, and the realization is slowly seeping in that I will probably never see her again.  We talk about seeing each other the next time I visit Dallas and a part of me really wants to follow though with that idea, but I also know that seeing her again could re-release the flood of emotions I had this summer which probably isn't a good thing since I'm sure she wants to be "just friends".   It's the same instance of wanting what we can't have all over again. At least as long we talk over internet I'm forced to remain "just friends" with her, and I like that.  I would much rather talk to her maybe once or twice a week via e-mail then to never hear from her again.

 As I friend of mine once said: "I'm no Casanova, but I do know that if you give a girl a beautiful drawing of her, a CD of you playing the piano for her, and a detailed emotional letter and she doesn't jump on you that very instant, well then you will probably have no chance with her ever.   Most girls would die to have a guy do any one of those things for them, let alone all three...".   I like that quote, it really made me laugh. While my intentions for giving those gifts were far from "getting her to jump on me", my friend did have a point even if it was a semi-chauvinistic one.  It is time to move on and appreciate that I now have a new friend living in Dallas and that I'm here with all my friends and confidants in Arkansas.  Maybe someday I will see her again but then again maybe not. Either way I still had a great time this past summer and I experienced feelings that I never had before.  I also know that even if I never see her again, I have made a significant impact on her life and she will probably never forget what I did for her.  Which is exactly what she did to me, so I guess my gifts did succeed what I intended.

Finally, I did one more thing to help myself get over her. Much like I did when I thought I lost my Sady, I wrote every emotion I had down in a rant for all to read. No longer will I have these feelings dwelling inside of my waiting to come out, instead everyone will know what I went through and hopefully will they will learn from it. This is my final step to getting over her, and whether it succeeds or not I could care less. She made me happy and in the end that's all that really matters.

Other thoughts:  John seems to do final notes so I might as well too. This will be my section to describe all the little things that aren't important enough to be put in my journal and aren't apart of my rant topic either.  This time I need to explain why you haven't seen a post from me recently.  You know what? As of right now I have more free time than I have had since coming to college 3 years ago (senior art majors get alot of free days).  Yet my time hasn't been devoted to web work as usual, instead its been devoted to games.  You can blame John for that one.  Before his little blurbs I had never heard of Disgaea: Hour of Darkness. Now, after purchasing it on his recommendation alone, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite gameplay games of all time.  I say gameplay because the storyline is average and nothing spectacular, and there are plenty of games out there with great storylines which will never be topped in my opinion (Vagrant Story, Final Fantasy X, Lunar 2...).  But gameplay-wise, Disgaea is a gem.  I played Final Fantasy Tactics for so long that my game-time was stuck at 99:59:59 for over 3 months.  And now I have Disgaea, a game where you can level up to 10,000, get over 100 character classes,  plus level up items, shops, and political influence, and have a new game+ to boot. For an obsessive compulsive leveler like myself, this game is a godsend and a curse. I've only played it 32 hours so far, and yet I've almost done none of the story levels. Instead I've obsessed over leveling myself up so high that I am neigh unstoppable. I'm fighting "hard" bosses in story-mode which are nearly 40 levels below me now, it's pathetic (both towards the game and me as a person :).  Regardless, blame John for getting me started on this crack and preventing me from updating my website, lord knows I can't take the responsibility for that myself...  :)  

   Oh, and when I'm not playing Disgaea or Warcraft 3, I now have DDR and two pads in my room so I can usually be found dancing my boredom away there.

Life couldn't be any better!

Well maybe it could, but I don't think the Swedish bikini team will be coming to visit me any time soon...

     - J, love isn't addicting, I can stop anytime!

Currently watching: As Good as it Gets
Currently playing: Disgaea!!!!!!!!
Currently listening to: Strangers -Wolf's Rain OST
Currently reading: Crossroads of Twilight - haven't touched it in a month :(