Warm
Fuzzies and Vomiting
by Paul
Thursday, July 17, 2003 - 5:57 PM
Today boys and girls we talk about my vomiting and sarcasm habits.
I would like to begin first with a comparison. While the other ranters are
not likely in the least to dish out warm fuzzies and feel-good phrases (the
Mick in particular is quite cynical), I am of all the ranters most likely to
be public and abusive about my sarcasm and am least likely to hand you an
undeserved compliment. Thus, if you hear a "I'm impressed," "good job," or
any other of what I like to term as warm nauseous fuzzies from me, it is
quite sincere and you have been busting your butt to earn it. In other
words, you have my respect. Now with that comment out of the way, I will
explain to you my annoyance.
Since last week I have been working in the pit orchestra for the
musical Les Miserables with a cast of youth. Now this in itself is
not bad. In fact, between the tremendous talent supplied in the orchestra
and the generous helping of it on stage, it is quite refreshing to be able
to perform with these folks. My criticism today comes not for the students,
but for the adults directing the play. The conductor is a very proficient
man who is quite sparse with his compliments which is good for a former
educator. However, my targets are the choreographer, dance
communicator (yes, there is such a useless job as doing part of the
choreographer's work!), and the musical director (not to be confused with
the conductor.) These three people will never miss a chance to gush, "ooh,"
"ah," and almost cry over the "amazing" work of these kids. This would not
be so bad, but the gushing comes when they SCREW UP! Now, there is a place
for warm fuzzies..... in hell. That's right, I said it: in hell. I
only say this as a criticism not of just these three moronic "artists" (as
many theater people like to refer to themselves). No, the problem lies
within our society, friends. Yep, that's right you have just walked into a
half serious rant. But I, the great Coloradan Moose have come to save you
all!
Society today, will clap for anything. If I get up on stage,
dressed as a large lizard, flicked my tongue out several times and then took
a dump upon stage and left, everyone would clap! I blame Yoko Ono. And in a
world where 6 bullets went through Jon Lennon (whom I do no mourn) but not a
single one went through Ono, I ask, "WHERE IS THE HUMANITY OF THE GUNMAN???
WHY DID HE LEAVE US TO BE TORTURED BY THE MOST OBNOXIOUS WOMAN EVER TO WALK
THE EARTH (besides Carol Moseley-Braun) FOR THE NEXT MILLENIUM UNTIL SHE
DIES?"
The reason I blame Ono is because she was one of the founders
of hippy art, also referred to as "modern." A perfect example is "Peas
on a Wall" a piece in which Ono spent several hours taking a spoon and fling
peas to splatter on a wall. Amazing, right? Well, since today we have fewer
and fewer legitimate artists, both on the canvas and on the stage, we are
left with mediocrity. Imbeciles are allowed to just do whatever they want,
make it completely pointless and that is now "art" in our society, which we
applaud. In the theater and the music hall, it is a cycle perpetuated by our
parents. Our parents (the ones that are not musicians) will tell us coming
out of a concert, "That was GREAT honey!" And since we don't want to tell
them that was the worst performance of our lives, we feel that we are
entitled to such warm fuzzies and respond enthusiastically thus
desensitizing ourselves. Eventually after agreeing to applaud our own
mediocrity we feel the compulsion to applaud others as well, perhaps out of
guilt that we did not deserve praise but maybe giving it to others will
redeem us. Soon, as a result of all the clapping, applauding,
praising, and warm fuzzies of our society that are undeserved, we lower the
standard and settle for the bottom line, the bare minimum.
I am writing this to appeal to others. I ask that all of us
raise the standard back up. That praise be given only when we step past and
walk beyond what is expected of us, and that we accept praise when we
accomplish this goal ourselves. Otherwise, I am going to have to walk around
for the rest of my life with a vomit bucket, constantly hurling because I am
so SICK AND TIRED of UNNECESSARY WARM FUZZIES that only serve to DEPRECIATE
the culture that YOU AND I have to LIVE IN!
On the flip side, I do no promote insulting, but criticism. Many
people confuse these because they are used to unwarranted praise. So when
you tell a person that they might adjust this or fix that they will most
likely pounce on you and accuse you of being self righteous. If this
happens, here is a two step solution.
1. Apologize to the person for being enormously rude by trying to help them.
2. Laugh at this person until you fall out of your chair the next time they make the same mistake and calmly say to them, "I attempted to help you before, but you know so much more than me that I am not worthy to assist anymore." Then continue laughing as they look puzzled.
I hope that I have enlightened some today
(sorry about the length of this rant). I now must go sit and cool off from
my think tank working overtime. Also, if anyone would like to know the
meaning of some of the big words I used today, look 'em up. Oh, and if this
offended you, go pet a prairie dog. (Email
me for punchline if you can't figure it out for yourself.)
Lastly, I would like to ask for feedback if you like my rants or if
you don't or if you'd like to hear me talk about something else or something
specific. I am always delighted to write. Now go out there with your vomit
buckets at the ready and FIGHT THE WARM FUZZY POWER!
Paul
- The human equivalent of a constipated Canadian Moose
Currently working on: Les Miserable musical production
Currently watching: Nothing, too much to do.
Currently listening to: Les Miserables soundtrack and Audioslave by
Audioslave
Currently Playing: Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne and Dungeon Siege
