Summer Suggestions
      by Paul

       
 Friday, June 20, 2003 - 11:45

So here we are in the middle of the summer!

Wheeeeeeeeeee! Oh wait. Our lives, fun, friends, and happiness is back at college (for the most part). For all freshman, you will experience this feeling next summer, unless you disobey my 4th suggestion in my last rant. So, now that I'm off that tangent, lets focus on the top things I would suggest you do to blow those summer blues away at your job (because all of you are responsible and have jobs this summer.)

Suggestion 1:  Set your boss on fire.
   Now, I know that for some of us this is a difficult thing to bring ourselves to do, but for others (myself included) its only a matter of materials. I can help those in even the toughest situations! Take our friend Jay for example. Jay works at a pool. How do you set your boss on fire at a pool you ask? Why its the easiest thing! Simply do the "look over there trick" to your boss and splash him in gasoline. Since he'll probably be standing up, you have approx. 2 minutes to get him to look the other direction again, and simply throw a match at him. Now, not only will your boss be extremely surprised, but both you will have a great laugh over the spontaneity of the event!

Suggestion 2: Form an addiction
   Now I, being completely alcohol and drug unencumbered, *gasp* (You mean there is such a thing in a college student?) do no in any way promote forming a crack, marijuana, or drinking habit. I suggest such forms of addiction as gaming (sit and stare at a computer lifelessly clicking a mouse and occasionally uttering such phrases as: "YOU STUPID TORG DIE DIE DIE DIE" to the annoyance of your family), pool sharking (suckering small children into playing games for money, see also: what James the Mick does all summer), or simply form any kind of money draining addiction that will leave you penniless and your parents very annoyed at the end of the summer.

Suggestion 3: Do community service

Of course all of you love your governments and want to give away your entire young lives to the free service of society. WHAT? WHAT AM I SAYING????? KARL MARX IS DEAD! Okay, scratch that idea.

Suggestion 4: Final suggestion: Get a life
  Study something new, travel, do something (I'm not sure why I'm suggesting this since most people just want to sit with their thumbs up their butts all summer) worthwhile with your life. Maybe then, in the fall, when you are asked by that cute girl that you've dreamed of all summer, "How was your summer?" You won't go into a drooling, staring, extremely stupid mode thus sealing your fate with her for the entire school year. Instead, you'll answer, "I worked very hard this summer, until I read a suggestion that I set my boss on fire, followed it, was thrown out of my job, then formed an addiction, went to rehab, did community service, and studied Marxism, traveled to Baghdad, and did something else that I can't remember!" Now, even though you're the weirdest person on the planet, you've now wowed the hottest girl on the face of the earth (in your mind!) WOOHOO!

 Paul - the Man with several plans