Scientific Theories and Razor Blades
      by Paul


Wednesday, February 18, 2004 - 11:34 AM

   I am a movie buff.  My friends that hang out with me are movie buffs.  We love movies.  Love 'em a lot.  Television and motion picture movies, since their inception have been a doorway into the consciousness of a culture.  Movies try to cause our fantasies, fears, wonders, and romances to congeal and become as real.  In the past few weeks I myself have seen several movies and I would like to suggest some you should see and some you shouldn’t.

Let’s begin:

 Right before I went off to DC, I went and saw Along Came Polly, a Ben Stiller dating flick.  I like Ben Stiller dating flicks because they tend to show the awkwardness of first dates and relationships better than other flicks in my humble opinion.  Along Came Polly manages to do this very well, using examples of everything from dancing, to commitment, to choosing the place to eat on a date.  Along Came Polly was a blast and I loved it.  Watch for a main character from Robin Williams’ Patch Adams and a theme of references to The Breakfast Club.  Otherwise, just your standard date flick with a predictable ending.  There is one major plot twist that made me cringe in EXTREME fear that they were going to screw it up and make the movie suck.  Fortunately for me, (and all the people in the theater who did not have to hear my anguished moans and screams) the kind filmmakers didn’t suck and make the movie horrible.  That said, let’s head to the next film.

 Our next film to be discussed is now out on DVD.  It is, in my opinion (again, the opinions of myself are not necessarily those of anyone else, but on this movie do not be surprised that I am in the majority and everyone instinctively agrees with me), the ABSOLUTE WORST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF MOVIES HAPPILY EVER AFTER AGAIN!  THIS MOVIE SUCKED MORE THAN WING COMMANDER, AND THE MOST ENJOYABLE THING ABOUT THAT MOVIE WAS THE 5 YEAR OLD IN THE THEATER THAT WAS KICKING THE BACK OF MY SEAT AND OCCASIONALLY HITTING ME IN THE HEAD!  AND THIS MOVIE SUCKED MORE THAN THAT!  What movie deserves such a horrible reputation you ask?  Why, it could only be HOUSE OF THE DEAD.  Okay, I like my occasional slasher-zombie-chainsaw-firearms showcase-movie.  Unfortunately, this movie has nothing else but the above listed features.  Except for one thing.  What would possibly possess someone to release a move named House of the Dead, especially after one named House of 1000 Corpses was released just early last year?  Well, someone who has the notion that a movie based on a successful, difficult arcade franchise could make an awesome movie.  May monkeypox be contracted by the person who had this idea.  But much worse is the person who decided that, to strengthen the tie between the game franchise and the movie, let’s throw in ACTUAL FOOTAGE FROM THE VIDEO GAME!?!  WHAT ARE THESE MONKEYS IN HOLLYWOOD THINKING?!  As we’ll discuss in a rant at a later date, I don’t think that the monkeys in Hollywood have brains anymore, but in this case it’s for a wholly different reason.  Someone retarded had this idea.   To scare us they would put video game footage into the movie.  Most of our immediate reactions are…. That is really dumb.  Unfortunately, someone else didn’t have that reaction and so you have the worst movie ever.  I will not enter the plot, as it disappears after about 8:13 of the film.  Suffice to say that weed is given out far too freely in Hollywood, and this movie is a direct result.  Don’t rent it unless you’re bored and you have the innate ability to MST3K films.  Thank you, this was your Public Service Announcement from People Concerned About Idiot Sticks Who Fell Out of Stupid Trees and Now Make Movies.  (PCAISWFOSTNMM)  The MADD of filmmaking.

 Third listed is a pretty dang scary ride.  Most of you have already seen Butterfly Effect judging by the massive box office numbers that the movie is posting, and I am no exception.  If you haven’t seen it, GO SEE IT!  If I really like a movie, I sit silent through most of the credits and then make a real quick synopsis to the people with me of my thoughts on the film.  My synopsis after this film was simply, “I am amazed.”  No wonder it took these producers 5 years to get this movie made.  Back in 1999, even though the Artist (formerly known as an unpronounceable symbol, formerly known as the artist Prince, formerly known as a little girl named Daisy) was making records, people were fainting about Y2K, and I was in *gasp* middle school making a list of teachers and principals I would be taking with me when I left (forcing them to retire), we as a culture were in no way ready for this film.  This film needed a tragedy such as September 11^th to mean something.  It takes deep personal tragedy, loss, and triumph for it to mean something to a person.  I will not discuss the plot, as that would defeat the point of the movie.  However, I will say it was the closest thing to a roller coaster ride you can take without going anywhere.  But if you have never had anything happen to you, and you are an unfeeling or sheltered individual, don’t see this movie.  If this movie had been released when it was first written, I would not have been able to appreciate it.  But I do now, and so should you.  See Butterfly Effect.

 Lastly, if you are a true hardcore movie buff, go rent Cabin Fever.  This explains the title.  Butterfly Effect is the Scientific Theory, and Cabin Fever is the way razorblades get incorporated.  Watch the movie expecting a movie buff’s movie.  An homage to old slasher flicks and campy horror films.  It is only a serious horror flick if you want it to be.  Otherwise, laugh at it.  You’ll like it.

 That’s enough from me on movies right now.  Check out any of my other rants (and the archives of myself and all my friends here at Reddie Rants for more, if a bit outdated laughs.)

 
  Paul -“Watching movies and laughing that people make these movies, while people laugh at him for paying to watch them.”

Currently: waiting for the Sword of Damocles to drop
Currently playing: letting amber play Civ III
Currently listening to: Burning Heat from DDR Max2
Currently sleeping: with a woman