High Schoolers and Caffeine
      by Paul


Wednesday, February 18, 2004 - 11:34 AM

Let me start this one out with saying: Anybody who has such an addiction to caffeine that he/she are unable to function in the morning is a moron. 

Now, that said, most people have some form of addiction or another.  Some people really like alcohol, others Dr. Phil books, and even others enjoy much nastier things like Lord of the Rings.   (Hehehe, you thought I was going to say drugs didn’t you?)  I myself have a few addictions, namely, public speaking (number 1 fear in America), politicking, and sleep.  Of course, everybody is a sleep addict. 

Recently, I have had some up close and personal experience with so-called caffeine addicts.  For those of you who have not been “In the know” (which will now be referred to as waffletitus for the rest of the rant in honor of Black History Month and the “black culture”s insistent implementation of useless and meaningless words in place of English) about my work for Aramark here on campus I was transferred from Quizno’s to Java City for the last 2 months or so that is was open in the evenings.  As a result I saw all kinds of coffee and caffeine addicts from faculty, to students, to just people who were lost on campus. 

Now we come to the issue of the drug caffeine.  Caffeine is a huge catalyst for the condition called dehydration.  It in essence expels water from the body.  (Note to self: ask James for specifics on caffeine and dehydration so that I have waffletitus on that subject)  Anyway, as I am aware of such effects, I try to stay away from the nasty stuff known as coffee.  So far I have succeeded and have never drunk coffee in my life.  However, there are many other students who need their coffee, and boy do they ask for it. 

As the great Sir Isaac Newton once put it: “What goes up must come down.”  Same is true for your energy level after drinking enough espresso to kill a baby mongoose.  You’ll eventually slow down and realize that you really didn’t want to drink that triple shot espresso carmel café machiamocha with seven extra shots of espresso just to make sure it kept you up so you can study for just one more hour.  To my shock, these people are still living the next day, and even though they had three heart attacks the night before while sleeping because they drank that stuff, they still want more!  EEEEEEK!!  What are you people thinking? 

Now, it is not my place to tell a customer yes or no on their drink.  It is my duty to offer you life-saving advice on whether or not to drink the poison you’ve ordered.  For most people it isn’t this extreme, but for some it is.  People wonder why a lot of folks are stuck at the height of 5’ 9”.  Well, they’re FREAKIN COFFEE DRINKERS!  And midgets?  They are the crack babies of the coffee world.  I can’t think of another single reason why people would be so short unless it happens to be genetic…. Nah.  Genetics don’t affect height?!  Or maybe they do and that was part of the 6 weeks of biology I slept through.  Anyway, my story begins on a Wednesday morning.  I had to head into work early to help a coworker set up so that we could hold back the tidal wave of high schoolers who simply must have their caffeine.  Well, after heading to class for 2 hours I returned to help said coworker, only to see a seething line of about 15 kids at the coffee stand!

 After helping for about ½ hour, I began to notice a pattern.  None of these kids were sad, all of them had huge smiles on their faces, were very perky and spoke at a rate I haven’t heard since my last visit to the Northeast, and to top it all off, they all paid with perfect change!  ACK!  WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

 So I stopped one group of giggly girls as they asked for their extremely long French sounding drink and I asked, “WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING BEING ADDICTED TO COFFEE?!  YOU”RE NOT EVEN 12 YET!” 

To which they calmly replied, “We’re 16.”

Well, THANK YOU VERY FREAKIN MUCH!  YOU’RE STILL JAILBAIT FOR ALL I CARE!  I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHY YOU NEED COFFEE TO BE OVERLY PERKY AND HAPPY!  Common sense got the better of me, and I realized…. Wait a minute.  These kids don’t have jobs.  They have their parents’ money.  And as a result, they are now caffeine addicts because they have nothing better to spend their money on.  It all makes sense now… THE ECONOMY IS DIPPING INTO RECESSION BECAUSE PARENTS ARE GIVING THEIR KIDS MONEY TO BUY COFFEE DRINKS FROM COFFEE PLACES WHERE ALL THE MONEY GOES INTO A BIG MATTRESS OUT BACK SO THAT BILL GATES AND JOHN KERRY CAN STAND THERE AND GLOAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE MONEY WILL NEVER REENTER THE ECONOMY AND THEREFORE THEY CAN MAKE CERTAIN BUSH ISN’T REELECTED!  It all just dawned on me.  Unfortunately, I’m a peon who can’t do a dang thing about it, and as such I continued to serve coffee.  But for my personal revenge I made the next 26 drinks with DECAFFEINATED ESPRESSO.  Hehehe.  My revenge is complete.

 
  Paul -His revenge is complete.

Currently: drinking lots of coffee
Currently playing: DDR and Devil May Cry
Currently listening to: Hannity's radio program
Currently sleeping: naked