What, you mean blind people can't drive?     
by John

Monday July 21, 2003 - 6:00 PM

    Ahh, summer.  Due to the increased difficulty in flying and the immense amount of monetary compensations inherently therein, Americans are taking their trips to the highways this year.  ‘Wonderful’ you say.  ‘Now all those starving small towns can have a small glimmer of hope in restoring what’s left of their economy before the icy hand of death grips them, or the IRS.’  While I do share your joy for giving such small towns one last morsel of hope before the are wiped into oblivion there is a small problem with this; more people traveling by car means more drivers on the road.  Now if the average driver was even at a, let’s say, level slightly above homicidal ignorance then I could live with it.  Alas, such is not the case.  Apparently the necessary skills to be able to drive have been bred out of this country.  Everyone has had the incompetent old drivers.  They don’t count.  Anyone too senile to remember which pedal does what should not be allowed to purchase gas or even own a form of vehicular transportation.  That being said, the real danger often lies in the people who, under extreme duress, can actually pass driving tests, but are unable to support such skills in their everyday lives.  If you can’t remember what exit you need to use, then you aren’t allowed to get on the freeway; likewise if you do not know how to navigate exit or on ramps.  The proper procedure for missing an exit is not, I repeat IS NOT to back up the ramp back onto the freeway nor do you get on by stopping on the ramp and then flooring the pedal.  Unfortunately, as Jay can attest to, these things happen way too often.  And its not just limited to freeways mind you.  Those idiots have to get off and drive city streets sometime.  You cannot make left turns out of the right lane on a six-lane street.  One-way streets have a weird feature…THEY ONLY GO ONE WAY!  Now what should we do about this you may ask yourself?  Luckily that’s why those of use here at RR continue to do this, so that we can help relieve that annoying sense of responsibility from your shoulders.  Unfortunately I have yet to settle on one individual solution, so you have the benefit of taking my solutions and hiding under the votes and opinions of the masses.  So without further introduction:

 Option #1
‘1984’ Shame on you and your cultural ineptitude if you haven’t read this.  With advances in technology we could easily give up all social freedoms and rights in the name of safety.  Under such totalitarianism the average person would feel little change after the initial restructuring from their current lives and all bad drivers could be used in sick human experiments.  Everybody wins.   

Option #2
Mandatory driving tests.  I know that we have these now, but in their current state they lack the extra something necessary for true conformity: negative re-enforcement.  Sure if you fail your driving test to get your license originally then you don’t get to drive, but lo and behold you can take the test again.  Not only that, but once a license has been secured you don’t have to take the test anymore.  Yearly visits to the department of public safety for testing and a simple “One strike and you’re out!” policy would encourage all drivers to stay on top of their skills, lest they loose the privilege. 

Option #3
Genocide.

 Option #4
Public transportation.  There are no bad drivers because driving itself is not outlawed.  Think of the environmental benefits. 

Alas, it will take time and determination to purge the ineptitude from the streets, but if we persevere it can be done!

 John – Who’s got those “steadily depressing, low down, mind messing, working at the car was blues.”