These are just a bunch of random forwards I received over a given time. They serve their purpose and entertain the first time you read them, beyond that you'll probably just forget them a few minutes later.
WHAT GIRLS SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
They say: Can't we just be
friends?
They mean: There is no way in
hell I am ever gonna let any part of
your body touch mine again
They say: I just need some
space
They mean: Yea, space without
you in it
They say: Can you help me with
my homework?
They mean: If I keep whining
the fool will do it for me
They say: Do I look fat in this
dress?
They mean: We haven't had
a fight in awhile
They say: No, pizza's fine
They mean: Cheap bastard
They say: I just don't want a
BF right now
They mean: I just don't want
you as a BF
They say: I dunno; what do you
wanna do?
They mean: I can't believe you
don't have anything planned
They say: Come here
They mean: My puppy does this
too
They say: I like you but...
They mean: I just don't like
you
They say: You never listen
They mean: You never listen!
They say: We're moving too
quickly
They mean: I won't sleep with
you til I find out if this guy in Bio has a GF or not
They say: I'll be ready in a
minute
They mean: I AM ready, but I'm
gonna make you wait cuz I know you will
They say: Oh no, I'll pay for
myself
They mean: I'm just being nice;
there's no way I'm going Dutch
They say: Oh yes! Right
there!
They mean: Well, near there; I
just wanna get this over with
They say: I'm just goin out
with the girls
They mean: We're gonna go out
and make fun of you and your friends
They say: There's no one else
They mean: I'm doing your
brother
They say: Size doesn't count...
They mean: Unless I want an
orgasm
WHAT GUYS SAY AND WHAT THEY
MEAN
They say: It's just orange
juice, try it
They mean: 3 more shots, and
she'll have her legs around my head
They say: She's kinda cute
They mean: I wanna bang her til
I'm blue
They say: I dunno if I like her
They mean: She won't blow me
They say: I need you
They mean: My hand is tired
They say: I had her
They mean: I had wet dreams
about her all week
They say: I really wanna get to
know you better
They mean: So we can do what I
tell my friends we do already
They say: How do I compare with
all your other BFs?
They mean: Is my penis really
that small?
They say: You're the only girl
I've ever cared about
They mean: You're the only girl
that hasn't rejected me
They say: I want you back
They mean: ...for tonight
anyway
They say: We've been through so
much together
They mean: If not for you, I
never would've lost my virginity
They say: I miss you so much
They mean: I'm so horny that my
roommate is starting to look good
They say: No, I don't wanna
dance right now
They mean: Shoot! She'll know
that I have a hard-on!
They say: The break-up should
not start for another few hours~
They mean: I wanna have sex a
few more times
They say: I'm different from
all the other guys
They mean: I'm not circumcised
======================================
Bathroom Writing
By: Santiago
---------------------------------------------------------
Some guys come here
to shit and stink
and pick crabs off their
balls...
I come here
to sit and think
and write on the walls.
Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high.
So if in life you don't
succeed,
Fuck it all and smoke some
weed.
--------------------------------------------------------
PICK-UP LINES
By: Santiago
1. I wanna melt in your mouth,
not in your hands
2. Can I borrow a
quarter?
["What for?"]
I want to call my mom and tell
her that I just met the girl of my dreams
<OR>
I want to call your mom and
thank her.
3. Is your dad a
thief??
["No."]
Then how did he steal the
sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?
(Be ready with a snappy
response in case they say "yes")
4. Your so hot, you
melt the elastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my
love buffet??
So I can lay you out on the
table and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my
place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the
day is "legs."
Let's go back to my place and
spread the word.
8. You must be
tired.
["Why?"]
You were running through my
dreams all night.
9. That outfit
would look great crumpled in a heap on my bedroom
floor.
10. My name's
[state your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's
[state your name], but you can call me "Lover."
12. Nice shoes.
Wanna fuck??
13. What do you say
we go out for a pizza and then a fuck??
["No."]
You don't like pizza??
(Be ready with a snappy
response in case they say "okay")
14. Can I flirt
with you??
15. Your dad
must've been a baker cuz you got a nice set of buns.
16. (Look at
his/her shirt tag.) When they ask, "What are you
doing?"
Reply, "Checking to see if
you were made in heaven."
17. All those
curves, and me with no brakes.
18. If I told you
that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it
against me?
19. Fuck me if I'm
wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
20. [Grab his/her
ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken??
21. Is it hot in
here or is it just you?
22. Can you give me
directions?
["To where?"]
Your heart.
23. If I could
rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How 'bout you
sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up.
25. Do you know
what would look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy
bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. How 'bout you
and I go back to my place and get out of these
clothes?
28. [Tap your
thigh.] You just think this is my leg.
29. Say, that's a
nice [dress/outfit/shirt/article of clothing].
Can I talk you out of it?
30. I lost my phone
number. Can I have yours?
31. I hope you know
CPR cuz you take my breath away.
32. Excuse me, is
that semen in your hair?
33. My face is
leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
----------------------------------------------------------
50 Fun Things To Do In An
Elevator
--------------------------------------------------------------
1. Make race car
noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your
nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other
passengers.
3. Grimace
painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering,
"Shut up
damnit, all of you
just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle
the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl
Scout Cookies.
6. On a long
ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open
your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask, "Got
enough air in
there?
9. Offer name
tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
your upside-
down.
10. Stand silent
and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11. When arriving
at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over
to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a
wet-willy?"
13. Greet
everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word:
Flatulence!
15. On the
highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at
the bottom.
16. Do Tai
Chi exercises.
17. Stare,
grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at
least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give
religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow
occasionally.
21. Bet the
other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and
mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say,
"oops!"
23. Show
other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing
"Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing
buttons.
25. Holler,
"Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on
with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at
another passenger for a while, then announce,
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp,
then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a
box between the doors.
30. Ask each
passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
31. Wear a
hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through"
it.
32. Start a
sing-along.
33. When the
elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that
your beeper?"
34. Play the
accordion.
35. Shadow
box.
36. Say,
"Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean
against the button panel.
38. Say,
"I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red
buttons.
39. Listen to
the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a
little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a
chair along.
42. Take a
bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna
see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit
bubbles.
44. Pull your
gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce
in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable
host body."
46. Carry a
blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make
explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear
"X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at
your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone
brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream,
"BAD
TOUCH!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Lovers of the Heart
In order to form a perfect
kiss, enable the mighty
hug to promote to whome we
please but one kiss.
Article One: Statement of Love
- The Kiss
Kiss on the hand... I adore you
Kiss on the cheek... I just
wanna be friends
Kiss on the neck... I want you
Kiss on the lips... I love you
Kiss on the ears... I'm just
playin'
Kiss anywhere else... Let's not
get carried away~
Look in the eyes... Kiss me
Playing with your hair... I
can't live with out you
Hands on waist... I love you
too much to let you go
Article Two: 3 Steps
1. Girls: If a guy tries to get
fresh, slap him
2. Guys: If a girl slaps you,
kiss her
3. Guyz and Girls: Close your
eyes when kissing, it isn't polite to
stare
Article Three: The Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeze too
hard
2. Thou shall not ask for a
kiss, just give and take
3. Thou shall kiss at every
opportunity
-------------------------------------------------------------
Wishes of a Lover
As I look out at the majestic
sea,
I know you and I were meant to
be.
I only wish I could make you
see
how much your love means to me.
I wish I could walk up to you
and speak the words that lovers
do.
But now I sit here sad and blue
wishing I could be with you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
*** A Little Humor To Brighten
Your Day ***
A man takes the day off work
and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the
green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit
9 Iron"
The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron"
He looks at the frog, puts his
other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from
the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit
Lucky frog"
The man decides to take the
frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think
frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood"
The guy takes out a 3 wood, and
boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man
had golfed the best game of golf in
his life.
Then he asks the frog, "OK
where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit
Las Vegas"
They go to Las Vegas and the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit
Roulette"
Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks, "What do you
think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6"
Now, this is a million-to-one
shot to win, but after the golf game,
the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money
and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit
Kiss Me"
He figures why not, since after
all the frog did for him he deserves
it.
With a kiss, the frog turns
into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your Honor, is
how the girl ended up in my room."
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass
was so nervous that he could hardly
speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon,
he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on
his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't
gulp.
2. There are 10
commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12
disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated,
not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his
donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to
Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he
did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by
a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his
ass.
10. We do not refer to
the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the
bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for
it is my body"
He did not say, "Eat
me".
12. The Virgin Mary is
not referred to as the,
"Mary with the
Cherry".
13. The recommended grace
before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, God."
14. Next Sunday there
will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's,
not a Peter-pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.
_________________________________