Holy cow, what was I on?? I wrote this
"forward" in reply to 3 young'ns who kept writing their own weird
forwards and sending them to me. The stuff they wrote was pretty
weird in the first place so I decided to respond in kind with a tripped out
forward myself. Looking at it now, I can't believe I wrote some of
this stuff. I think I wrote most of it just to top the crazy stuff the
other were sending me. And it work because I haven't gotten anything
since. The first section isn't that bad, and I got the idea from a
friend in TX who believes in that stuff. The second section is something I
found at the Darwin Awards, it is sick (and untrue) but it is funny. The
3rd section just goes too far out there even for my taste... Then again
this just proves my versatility in my writing: I can write a civilized senior
thesis quite well, or I can mimic Junior Highers and write an immature
forward. Still, I prefer doing the first over the second. Anyways,
people heed the warning at the beginning of this forward and don't read it
unless you think you can handle it.
Well Well Well, I guess I will just have to show you what
real "fake" forwards are suppose to be like. Unfortunately I am
currently out of acid to get "up" off of so I am just going to have
to write this naturally without any hallucinogens (last time I tried to get
high off of peanut butter instead but I only ended up fantasizing the planters
peanut guy for hours, so that E-mail just plain sucked, plus I'm being sued
for sexual harassment of a "nut"...don't ask). In my
E-mail-about-nothing no one shall escape my pompous wrath. I plan on
demoralizing SPAM, children, teachers, dogs, jellybeans, majorettes, and
freshmen.....ESPECIALLY freshmen!!!
*Caution* if you are grossed out by exploding humans, cold
manicotti, and majorettes THEN THIS FWD IS FOR YOU, but if you are in love
with Yanni or 9th graders named Erin, then turn back now... also having a
dictionary might help too cuz some of these graphic images are a lot funnier
when words like sodomize are in your adulterated little vocabularies... just a
warning...
Topic 1: Monkeys-Bad people, or just misunderstood?
Monkeys are cute, aren't they? Well, that's just what they want
you to think. Because then, who would ever suspect them? I would, that's who.
And you should too. I have undeniable evidence of the destruction and chaos
these pestial primates have caused. Observe this text taken from the lost dead
sea scrolls:
"The love of monkey is the root of all
evil"
Monkeys have been around since the beginning, they are
the real threat in our society. No one ever suspects the monkey, which will be
the downfall of our society. If it wasn't for the heroic works of
Keep-Squeezing-Them-Monkeys-Lad (thank you Wizard) then the world would go to
shambles. Government agencies, secret militias, and terrorist organizations.
They all have one thing in common: monkeys. Soon the nuibilance will be
lifted, the conspiracies will be exposed and you will judge what should be
done about these sick experiments and government cover-ups. Conspiracy: Every
day hundreds of mutated monkeys are trafficked into the US, and what do these
vile creatures do once arriving? They put out bad CD albums (usually under
names such as New Kids on the Block or Kris Kross); they pose as freshmen
and act cool, they drive Power Wheels into the streets to be run over by
unsuspecting teenager; they play saxophone and twirl batons under the
name of Rachel, and yes, they do the most vilest thing of all, put those #@$!
parsley leaves in your manicotti thus ruining it. Here is an example of the
monkeys at work, not to mention a vile monkey trafficker getting his final
justice:
But then again not all monkeys are bad. In their
misguided efforts at overthrowing civilization, the monkeys have inadvertantly
helped the human race by getting rid of some of our more annoying members.
Like new-age pop sensation Yanni
So are monkeys really as bad as they seem? Do
blowing up cars and ruining manicotti equal out to t
he the destruction of
Yanni?
That is up to you to decide.
At this point I will like to point out
the dangers of those infernal air pumps at the gas stations. We have all
looked at those in awe and every one of us knew that one day they were going
to rise up and take over the world. While that day has yet to happen, I do
have proof that they are conspiring to kill us all. Let this serve as a
warning to you the next time you go to the gas station to pump up your tires,
because while the inanimate object may lookfriendly, its reach can be
quite deadly from within, read on:
"The government must crack down on this disgusting
craze of 'Pumping'," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told
reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of
Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old
Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
"inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of
air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai
took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even
that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was
going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared
him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in. Not realizing how
powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and
placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but
passersby are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight
fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of
him.", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air
interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom
bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to
Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but
then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let this serve as a warning to you, those air pumps are bad anal plugs.
Never try to use them unless you have had a class on the dangers of explosive
air in the rectum. That is all for this public service announcement
(thank you Darwin Awards for the contribution).
Next:
SPAM, what is it really?!? I have been a firm believer that SPAM is the work
of a government conspiracy (and monkeys too) to fry our minds and take over
the world. The question that keeps hitting us is: what do those
friggin letters really stand for? Sliced People And Maggots? Spewed
Pineapples And Midgets? Shoveled Para gliders Amongst Morons?
Shriveled Penises Amongst Marinade? or do we really believe that whole
"Specially Processed Artificial Meat"? Well I have had the stuff,
I shamefully admit, and I'm telling you there is nothing
"artificial" about it. There are chunks of SOMETHING in that can,
whether its the ex-SPAM president or Kibbles N' Bitches.. I mean Kibbles 'N
Bits, there is something in that inedible slop. It has been said SPAM
was used as an early aphrodisiac, but after closer examination I think I
found the real purpose of this virulent substance. SPAM was a material used
by early "sex workers" to liven up the octonegerians. It was made
from Rabbit and Raccoon feces along with other various animal parts
(Sphincter Produced Animal Material). But one day some sicko decided to
provide the stuff on the open market and forgot to add the label "must
be taken anally". So ever since then every time you have a SPAM
sandwich you have been eating bat feces (pre-smoking) that also cures hemorrhoids
and works like an ancient viagra! How does this work into the government?
Easy! Ever wonder what made Bill Clinton want to have "relations"
with that pitifully ugly intern? Well our poor president had't had his shot
of SPAM in a while (the guy lived in the 60/70s, he was addicted to the
stuff and shot up on it every week) so the first thing that walked into his
office looked like a saint ready to be plundered! Plus I think Monica
probably smelled like something from a mammals sphincter anyways so it just
gave poor old Bill another reason to spew his love on that little old dress.
Yet another victim of the wrath of SPAM. So watch out, the next time you see
someone Jewish guy eating a SPAM sandwich, he might not be just hungry for
life, but maybe hungry for your love too..... Better watch out for that
"Jewish star" protruding from his pocket, it might not be a
ornament like he says, it might be something a little more natural! All of
this mayhem all caused by one product, what is the world to do? Remember
this, no product with the word "processed" in the title can be
any good for you, unless banging the crap out of wooden chairs is your cup
of tea. So what is the moral of this story? SPAM is bad birth control, don't
use it and you'll be happy.
Because this is a forward I have to set up those ground
rules so it can thrive in the real world so here you go:
send this to 2-4 people: and you will have done the world a
favor by only pissing off 2-4 people
send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 death threats will end up at
your door along a severed head of tinky winky
send this to 20-25 people: you have no life and just signed
your death warrant by severely pissing off 20-25 people
send this to 100 people: how do you even know 100 people's
E-mail!?!?!? you will have your head removed through your bowels by howler
monkeys on crack... not to mention having ruined 200 peoples lives with this
nonsense (200 cuz its everyone and their hoes)
send this to Katie McAnally: you just signed my death warrant
and I will come back to haunt you post-humous as the stay puft marshmallow man
who fills your underwear with marshmallows just to see your expression when
you put them on and feel something nasty go squish between your legs.... try
explaining that one to you significant other)
Well that is all for now, I have just wasted
1 hour of my life writing this load of crap to you. I hope you've
enjoyed it as much as I have!! Whatever that means...
your senior bud
jay e.
also, if I get one bloody cop at my doorstep I swear I
will hunt the three of youse down and put a hurtin down on you that you wish I
had just stuck a pump up your @#% and turned on the air til you blow up like a
Taiwanese teenager!!
But wait, there's more!! Since I don't have a yahoo account
that I use for personal reasons I can't have all those stupid yahoo advertisements
at the bottom of my letters like you do, so therefore I am going to make my
own advertisements from companies I'm glad to be affiliated with...
P.S. really go these sites if you dare...
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