I received this letter a LONG time ago, and it came in at the right time because I was being bombard by forwards left and right. In the early days, I foolishly would reply to these stupid chain mails. Of course I learned the futility of doing this very quickly, and when I received this forward it expressed my opinions perfectly. There was also a time there that I set up a rule in Outlook that anytime I received a forward from someone it would send them this E-mail. Of course that proved to be futile too since I just kept getting this same forward back... Anyways, one day I am going to look up the guy who wrote this just to see where he's at now. Enjoy!
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion *%&$%@ forwards sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas
with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes
smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic
pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6
&%*@!# cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly
believe
that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email
to $1000? How *#(@^ stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down
this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret
model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this
message is a big #*&@ YOU to all the people out there who have nothing
better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil
chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in
my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5
A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower
and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of
World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
@#&!*$% care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your
own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel
guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to
5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true!
Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is
TRUE!!
Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
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Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs,
no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because
for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little
Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull.
So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you
will die instantly.Thanks again!!
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Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it
works. Pass this on to 15,067people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe
in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did
she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend
(hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They
continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable
kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
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Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.
Friends
-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets
the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the
cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants
his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't,
you'll be eaten by wild mutts.
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There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity,
send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I
don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward
it. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain
letter, ignore it.
If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make
people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous(i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in
a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor.