Did you ever get sent one of those "crush E-mails"? Well I did, in fact I got a lot of them... especially after I wrote this E-mail

 

 

Well people here I am again writing to you so soon after I just wrote a huge letter. What could possess me to do so? Normally I refrain from writing constantly because I know it gets annoying really fast when you get thousands of E-mails from one person in a short period of time. So what major occurrence has forced my to rise to the keyboard and write to all of you? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s the atrocity known as “CrushLink” that has brought this upon you. For those of you who can remember, I sent an E-mail describing this site (well one just like it) over the summer. Here is the quote I used :

I found this link to a site that seemed interesting. While I haven’t gone there yet (nor do I plan to, unless otherwise provoked), I figured you “young ‘uns” might enjoy (ab)using this. Now my question to ask is “Where was this when I was fifteen!!?!?!?!!?”

 

If this Web site had a theme song, it would be Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me.” Catering to shy Romeos and bashful Juliets, eCrush.com <http://www.ecrush.com> lets you make a lust connection with the gal you’ve got the hots for without risking the inevitable sweaty palms, awkward silences, and, well, humiliating laughter that can come with declaring your affection in person. After signing up, you simply list the name of the lady you’ve got a thing for. If you also type in her e-mail address, the site will even notify her that someone has a crush on her. Then she comes to the site and lists her own crush. If the name’s yours, both parties are notified of the match. Hint: To maximize your chances of hooking up, use the phone book to list the entire local female population.

 

For those of you who are still in the dark, CrushLink does the same thing as this other site. It let’s you fill in the name of your crush (guy or girl) and send them an anonymous E-mail telling them somebody likes them. Next, they do the same thing and if they put in your E-mail address then you both get a message saying that you are meant for each other. Now don’t get me wrong here, I love this idea. Like I said in my first E-mail, if this was around when I was in the 8th grade every single girl in my school would have gotten one of these each week. And even now I don’t feel bad about using it, it’s just one thing disturbs me. I like the idea of sending your crush an anonymous E-mail, but what I don’t like is if you get the E-mail you have to fill out your “crushes” e-mail addresses. It’s cool if you find out that you and your crush like each other, but don’t forget, you also sent that anonymous E-mail to 5 other people! Still confused? Okay let me put you in my shoes: I am not ashamed to say that I got one of these CrushLink messages saying someone likes me (gasp!). So I go to the site they send me to find out who has a crush on me and suddenly it asks me to fill out 6 of MY crushes and their addresses. If I did that (which I didn’t) then it would send them all E-mails saying I like them. Now here is where it gets deadly:

Possible Outcome #1: If I just so happened to guess the person who sent it to me (who are you??!?) it would tell me and all would be happy in the world (or so it seems). Now even if I guess the person right, I still have sent out 5 other E-mails of girls I like, and they are going to get anonymous messages from me. So then they get online and (possibly) guess my name, and suddenly I am matched up with 5 other girls. Now for those of you who don’t know, being hooked up with 6 girls at a time is every guys dream, but it also his worst nightmare. He wouldn’t survive 5 seconds once they all found out about each other. So in this outcome I basically get ripped to shreds by 6 angry women (which is fun for about 3 seconds).

Possible Outcome #2: What happens if I fill out my 6 crushes, and none of them turn out to be the one who sent the letter to me? Not only have I sent out 6 E-mails that basically tell girls that I like them, but I also still don’t know who likes me. And since I am not one for a mystery, I decide that I must know who it is and start filling out more names. It doesn’t matter if I like them or not, I want to know who likes me and I’ll find out any way I have to. Well this will get me even deeper in trouble than I should, because girls I might not even have a crush on (some girls are just better/safer as friends, I’m sure you will all agree) are getting “Crush letters” from me, and I might be getting hooked up with people that I probably should stay away from. Not only that, but if I ever do guess who sent me that Crush letter, they get a letter back saying that I also have a crush on them (which at this point we can assume I don’t). This falsely leads them on, and suddenly I become known as the biggest player there is because I am hitting on everyone by sending them Crush letters. So in this outcome I end up either being chased by girls who think I that I am crushing on them (but really am not), or avoided by girls who think I am crushing on them (and so they fear me). Heck, I don’t even get to have 3 seconds of fun in this outcome.

Possible Outcome #3: I put the E-mail address of every cute-girl-I-have-ever-known and send them a Crush letter. At this point they guess it was me who sent it and reply and suddenly I end up going out with 12…er… I mean 1500 women at the same time, and they are all cool with it!!! So I live happily ever after with my 1500 crushes when suddenly my Alarm goes off and I get out of bed at 6:45 AM when it’s depressingly pouring rain outside and live the rest of the day unhappy because my brain teases me in my sleep. So in this outcome I basically end up reliving today over and over ;)

Possible Outcome #4: I ignore the E-mails and use the CrushLink site as a reason to write a pointless E-mail just to annoy people who have real lives. Actually, I write an E-mail that really is satirical and I am not serious about a thing in it. Basically, I write it just to be funny by giving you hilarious mental pictures of my demise by the hands of many women (this day is coming!). In this outcome, well it doesn’t matter, we all which one I’m going to pick anyways…

So as you can see, I just can’t win. And what’s worse is, I’ve gotten almost 5 of these letters in the past 2 days! Whether it’s many of you sending them, or just one of you sending them all to be annoying, it’s not funny!! What did I ever do to deserve this……. Oh wait… never mind, don’t answer that. Well for now my rant it finished. I have run out of things to say, and I’m tired of being funny for now. I’ll try not to E-mail for a while (unless otherwise provoked, such as this). So until next time, peace out!

And for crying out loud, quit filling out my name in these “crush” websites!!! J

(of course those of you who really know me can tell if I am being serious or not)

Sincerely,

Jay “About-to-be-bombarded-with-E-mails” Epperhart